One of the earliest plant-based lessons that someone giving up cow's milk will learn is that not all non-dairy milks are born equal.
Some of our milk-type drinks are pure divine nectar… and some are not.
Here are substitute milks ranked from worst to best!
8. RICE MILK
Rice milk is the semi-skimmed of the non-dairy world; subject to mockery for its none existent flavour and thin texture.
You know when you drain the rice you’re cooking? It’s pretty much that water. Yeah, try enjoying that in a cup of tea!
7. OAT MILK
Urgh!! I hate oat milk. It’s pretty much a porridge ghost and tastes like a charity shop smells. At least it has the obnoxiousness to have some flavour though, disgusting as it may be.
6. COCONUT MILK
Coconut milk has its place and that place is in a coconut. It’s fine but it does make everything you drink, eat or inhale taste like you've stirred a Bounty into it after someone has licked all of the chocolate off.
5. hazelnut milk
It looks like chocolate milk! It smells like chocolate milk! IT’S NOT CHOCOLATE MILK!! That’s why hazelnut milk didn’t make it higher on the list, even though it's quite tasty... because it’s a dirty liar!
4. almond milk
Almond milk is ok. It’s very low in calories but also very low in protein (AND WE ALL KNOW THAT VEGANS ARE ALREADY CRIPPLED WITH LOW PROTEIN!!) and, most importantly, it tastes like almonds, which whilst delicious is also what cyanide tastes like, making you susceptible to being poisoned!
3. soya milk
Soya milk is delicious, that’s why it’s making it pretty might on this list BUT as we all know, rainforests are being chopped down for soya to be grown. To be fair, the soya being grown is almost exclusively for cattle feed… the demand for soya milk is not that strong yet.
BUT the worst thing about soya milk is that it curdles when you put it in a hot drink!! Yes, that is far worse that the destruction of most of our natural resources! CURDLING!!!
2. cashew milk
Hi, are you a millionaire? Good! Than you have been approved to drink cashew milk. As we all know, the price of cashews is at an all time high and soon most jewellery will be made of cashew.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t the best non-dairy substitute; creamy, subtly nutty, doesn't curdle.
Num, num and num.
1. your mum
That’s right! Tell your mum that she won! Your mum’s milk is the very best type of milk and it was meant especially just for us/you.
Look at that lil'un's face! They know how good it is.
So there we have it, all of the best non-dairy milks ranked worst to best – did I miss any? Let me know in the comments below!
Written by Gary Tro.
Gary Tro is a stand-up comedian, vegan, gamer and massive nerd.
His show IDOIT will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this August.