5 Ways to annoy a vegan!

​​Vegan’s are a whiney bunch, aren’t they??
 
Please have empathy for all living creatures moan moan moan. Make small changes to save the planet moan moan moan. Live a healthier lifestyle moan moan moan.
 
Urgh! Shut up, you stupid, correct hippies! You’re so annoying!
 
If you really want to annoy a vegan right back, just say one of these 5 things that vegans have to roll their eyes at every single day.

1. do you get enough protein?

We all know protein, right? It’s that magical ingredient only available from chicken. It helps build muscle, cures cancer, enables flight - it’s a bloody miracle.
 
So how do vegans function without getting any protein whatsoever?
 
It couldn’t possibly be from veggies or hemp or tofu or lentils or beans or tempeh, all of which are packed with grams and grams of protein.  It couldn’t possibly be.
 
Also, only ever question vegans where they get protein from, don’t ever question meat-eaters about if they get enough fibre.

​2. well, explain these teeth!!

​​Please spout the above sentence whilst fish-hooking your mouth pack and pointing at your pathetic excuse for an incisor tooth.
 
The fact that we have canine teeth means we MUST be designed to eat meat. Look at the hippopotamus! It has the mightiest of canine teeth and it regularly scoffs down mea… what? It’s a herbivore??  That must be why they’re so small; that complete lack of protein.
 
Also, just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we must do something. I know that logic is annoying because you want to eat meat, but bear in mind, it’s that very logic that stops people who are bigger than you beating you up just because they can.

3. why do vegans want meat-like products??

​Because some of us miss meat! Just because we choose not to eat it, doesn’t mean that we didn’t enjoy the taste or texture but we realise that it’s not worth the consequences. So if products are made which recreate the taste and texture but without the suffering and/or environmental impact, we’re all in!
 
In fact, I like to think if most people were offered 2 identical tasting and textural products, but one of them was created through suffering and one wasn’t, almost everyone would chose the ethical choice. If you wouldn’t choose the ethical one, you might be a genuine psychopath.

4. Vegans always go on about being vegan!

​The fact that I’m writing a vegan-themed list makes this one hard to dispute. We do talk about it quite a lot, but 99% of the time we talk about it in a positive and accepting way. Being vegan makes us happy and, despite what some people think, we only want to share our veganism with you if you want us to.
 
We apologise for the judgemental, self-righteous 1% who shove it down your throat; genuinely, they annoy us too but those guys are a rarity.
 
What is less of a rarity, is self-righteous meat eaters who give vegans enough of a hard time to write lists about it! 

​5. But... bacon!!

​This is so commonly heard; it’s an in joke in the vegan community. If this is your defence for eating meat, you should really rethink your position on most things.
 
And, I should point out that I have never met a vegan that misses bacon. Eggs? Sure. Fish? Yup. But not bacon – it’s overrated, as are your abilities of debate.
 
 
I’m sure that I’ve missed a bunch of others off this list, if so, let me know in the comments below!
 
by Gary Tro.
 
Gary Tro is a stand-up comedian, vegan, gamer and massive nerd.
 
His show IDOIT will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this August.

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